Pithy Epigrams

So, life has been a bit crazy! In fact, I didn't feel like I could update because it was just too much to go through. But, I will try to now.

Ok, so I went to MI on the 24th of August. On the eve before my departure Shaun and I got into our worst fight, ever. It's about really personal and complicated issues, and they just came to a head. Shaun said some really terrible things to me, and I thought we were over. I spent the night at my brothers, and when I came by our place the next morning when I was supposed to leave, Shaun was still being awful. So, I left CA thinking Shaun and I were over. That plane ride was really fun! Not. When I got to MI I was clearly upset, and I told my mom about everything. Normally I don't divulge personal aspects of my life to her, but I did. This kind up dug my grave.

Shaun texted me the day I got there saying he new we'd figure a way to resolve things. I didn't know what to think. Even if I wanted to work things out, my mom was adamantly against it. And I know it's my life, but I have issues about pleasing my mom. So, I spent my trip just kind of wigging out. I would go out late at night and just walk the streets of Ann Arbor alone, thinking. Shaun and I talked, and I told him what I needed to feel ok about our relationship, he told me he wanted to be with me and would do what it takes. All the while I'm telling my mom that it's over with me and Shaun because I don't want to upset her. Eventually I went home (back to CA) and when I got here Shaun and I just talked and decided to work it out. But the shitty thing is I am living this double life. Single to my parents, committed to Shaun.

I told my brother Dylan what was up. I told Travis later. Then, I slowly started to talk to my mom, sort of easing her into it all. I still haven't told her outright. And Shaun is super hurt by this whole thing, I kind of understand. He feels like my parents will never like him again. Ugh. I am never talking to my mom about personal stuff EVER again.

In the mean time, school started. I'm taking the most classes thus far into my school career. I actually went through all the processes and got a lot of financial aid. So, my classes are free, plus I get $800 each semester for the next two semesters. So, that's great. My classes are good, I dropped one and switched one. I'm taking a human sexuality psych class, astronomy, an astronomy lab, political science, musical theatre, chamber chorale, modern dance, and yoga. I think thats everything... I really like most of them. My political science teacher is crazy in a good way. And day 1 of the psych class my teacher said "cunt, cock, and ass fuck", so I knew it would be awesome. It's a lot of work though! (Big surprise!) But seriously, I have to study a lot. No more messing around. It's homework and bed for me! Plus, no internet at home means I have to do a lot at school. Which is mostly good. I am going to try to do some here at work in a minute...

I've been feeling more politically inclined again. I guess it's just that so much wrong doing is going on, it's hard to sit by idly. I feel let down by Obama. I mean, more troops into Afghanistan? Really? Trying to propel a war in Iran, slowly but surely letting the hope of universal healthcare dwindle and die away...Reinstating the awful and inhumane embargo against Cuba, not closing Guantanamo Bay, further support of Israel and their occupation of Palestine...I mean the list just goes on and on. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, any capitalist government will never put the needs of people above the need to acquire more wealth and power. It's totally impossible. I've said it before, and I will say it again, there is no such thing as a kind and gentle capitalism.

Speaking of capitalism, did anyone out there watch Hugo Chavez on Larry King? He kicked Larry's ass. I mean, youtube it. It's was great. If they were trying to promote more anti communist propaganda by interviewing him, they failed. Wah, wah.

I think that it all. Much love!

10 things you may not know about me:

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I think I'm finally getting over this nasty cold I've had for a couple weeks. Whenever I can't sing, I get depressed. Singing is something that I do so much it really bothers me when I can't. Especially when I am sort-of singing then all of a sudden my voice just drops out. I'm trying to make noise, but nothing comes out. I'm just glad I got sick now, instead of when all my singing classes start. At the beginning of the semester I always feel like I've forgot how to do everything. Speaking of singing classes, I am sad to say I don't think I can sing in the choir this semester. Boo. We're supposed to travel to San Francisco (which I've never been) to sing at MACCC. (Music Association of CA Community Colleges) So, it would mean I would miss a few days of school, and with the academic load I have next semester, I just don't know if I can do it. :(

I just filed my FASFA application, I really hope I can get some grants/financial aid/loans whatever it takes. Going into debt is something I've accepted. School = debt. Yesterday was Dylan's 29th birthday. It was a bit...dramatic. Thanks to Travis, as usual. I am not going into any details, but I will say he is such a narcissistic person. Dylan was in fine form. Very drunk by the time I left. Searching for his "secret stash". Hahaha. I am happy he had a good birthday. I gave him a water bottle from work. He got into CalStateLA, so I thought it would be nice for him. I love my family, but they can sure drive me nuts.

I got a hair cut. The first in over two years. My ends were a little raggedy. I am happy with the results. I used to only let my fabulous friend Vito cut my hair. He is SO good. But I moved, then he moved. I had to accept the fact that I am not going to see him for a long time. I miss Vito. Every few months I would sit in his incense smelling apartment bathroom while we chatted and he would cut my hair.

Work is SO slow. Oh god. I mean, our business is down, significantly. I am glad I'm only here a couple days a week. Otherwise I'd be so depressed. I mean, all I do is wander around a mostly empty store dusting. Then I water plants to escape the heat, and then I sit at a computer. I get so bored of the internet though. That's why I don't update much. I am so sick of the computer.

That's all I got for now.

Caitlin

I've been taking Belly Dance classes! It's so much fun. There are all these beautiful, curvaceous, sensuous women shimmying and shaking all over the place. It's really challenging, and I'm sweating within a few minutes. The woman who teaches is amazing. She can shimmy, tummy roll, snake arm, and do foot work all at the same time. The hard part is keeping my shoulders still, the shimmy is all in the hips and booty. It's six hours a week, and I'm hoping to gain some more flexibility and strength. I've been practicing a lot, and Shaun doesn't really mind watching.

Not too much else going on. I'm enjoying my time off from school. I got straight A's again. Whew! I have to admit, I am proud of myself. I have worked really hard, and it has paid off. I really love learning, and I love the community I've grown a part of.

I have to reiterate how much I love watching beautiful women dance. Women who have bellies (ranging in size) and aren't afraid to show them off. Work it!

Caitlin

I'm done! Woohoo! Another semester of hard work accomplished. I think I did well in my classes, we shall see. I've already registered for fall classes, I want to make sure I get into the classes I want. I'm registered for something like 19 credits. Now, I am probably going to have to drop a few, but I am just signing up for anything and everything I might want to take. This is the first semester I have been able to go full time. I am so excited!

So, last night Shaun and I watched "A lot like Love" with Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. Dorky, I know. However, it's almost all shot in MY neighborhood! Like, the coffee shop I go to, shops I walk by everyday. Granted, a lot has changed since that movie came out. And, there are all these trees that we no longer have. (Which is sad.) But we were having fun watching it. I mean, usually movies in LA are in Beverly Hills/West Hollywood. Not Silverlake! It was neato.

I have a new co-worker, Margeaux. She's nice. She's my old co-workers friend. When Dez said she was quitting she felt bad because she new I was trying to work less, so she found someone to replace her. Good deal for me. Kelly has been all good- moody the past few days due to a new, strapping, young lad in her life. Kelly should always be getting laid, she's so much more fun to be around! I suppose the most of us are. Speaking of... Vanessa finally found a place to live. Shaun and I were starting to go a little crazy. I mean, Vanessa is really a pretty good "house guest". I put "house guest" in quotes merely because she wasn't exactly invited, nor did she ever really ask us if she could stay. She just sort of, crashed, for a month. About a week ago she found out she got excepted into a music conservatory in Miami, and she starts in the fall. I was a little worried she would want to stay until then, but our friend Nola has a spare room she needs to fill, so until Vanessa leaves she's going to live there. Good deal.

I don't really remember what I said in my last entry, so forgive me if I repeat myself. But, we got a new bed! Yesss! It's a keetsa mattress, we sell them where I work. Anyway, it's so nice. Inflatable mattress=not comfy. Keetsa mattress=dreamy comfyness. It's so nice to get a good nights sleep. Plus, Shaun is a big man and having a queen as opposed to a full is a nice luxury. We just need a frame!

xoxo
Cait

So, my musical theater class ended well. I didn't do the 5 songs for an A, but I did 4. If she will let me perform one more, I will definitely do so. I worked really hard. The night show went well. I sang 3 times. "I will never Leave You" from Side Show, "Green Finch and Linnet Bird" from Sweeny Todd, and "Another Day" from Rent. I haven't watched to recording of it yet, but I feel pretty good about it. I didn't make any major mistakes, I'm sure my pitch wobbled a little here and there, but overall it was good. The best part was I wasn't nervous. This class has helped me with stage fright tremendously. Tuesday is the night chamber show. Our day show went OK. I felt like the soprano one's (me) could have done better. It's hard to find a high A out of nowhere!

I have a take home and a final left in Psych2. I have a final in Sociology, and that's it. DONE. This semester has been the most trying. But, I am happy I pushed myself because next semester is going to be FULL TIME. I am looking forward to it though. If I get really motivated I could be transferring to a four year college in a year. Now, that's exciting. It's not that I don't value LACC, I really do. Going to community college has aided me in being able to get an education. CA community colleges are ridiculously cheap. ($20/unit) I am confident in my ability to get financial aid. I am on my way to having a degree.

My only financial goal in life is to not live from paycheck to paycheck. I don't aspire to be rich, no sir. I want to survive. I want to have a savings account with money in it. I want to be able to help my friends and family when they need it. I want to be able to retire someday. I want to become independent from my parents. I want to always know I have enough money for groceries. This is all.

I'm starting to feel a little stir crazy at my job. I feel like I am running and getting no where. I want to do something meaningful. I am tired of selling shit to people. But alas, jobs are hard to come by. I feel stuck. I guess I feel like I am running and getting nowhere and stuck. Like a car in the mud. You know, you're foot's on the gas and yet you don't move. Haha. Many metaphors in my life. This is a true look into my mind. It's a bit scattered. Sometimes I confuse my friends because they will be talking to me about something, and I say something in response that's totally off topic. It's not that I'm not listening. It's that I have these parallel conversations always running through my head. I'm frequently having to explain this to people who think I'm not listening to them.

I'm really hoping I can work something out with my coworker so I can get mon-thurs off starting now. I want to take a dance class. It's a 2 hour class, three times a week. I really want to get into better shape. I want to regain my flexibility and strength. I had this when I danced. Shedding some weight would be good too. There is also a yoga studio a block from my place that offers $5 dollar classes from 12:30 to 1:30. I want to take advantage of that as well. I need a mat though.

I hope you all have a nice Memorial Day. Take a moment to think about all the lives lost during this and all the past wars.

Caitlin

Wow, that was a while ago. I have just been really lazy.

I'm exhausted. When I'm not in school studying for finals and readying a performance, I'm at work. This is life. I'm a little bitter right now though. And I don't want to be. My days off from work, I'm at at school. And yet my boss feels the need to ask how my days off were. Gah!

Aside from that, things are, well...chaotic. My friend Vanessa is having some major disputes with her room mates about rent. Long story short, she's not going to be living there anymore. She's a full time student, part time worker, and mother. She asked me to help her, and I of course said yes. She's been staying with me and Shaun. In our studio apartment. With her daughter, who she has on the weekends. Needless to say, things are cramped. We hung up a curtain separating the rooms. I hate it though. It's this tapestry Shaun had when we met, it's brown with a Celtic Knot design. It makes the space feel so small and dark. I am going to try to get some lighter curtains to hang instead.

I asked my brothers, who live in a giant house, if she could possibly stay there for a while. She said she could pay some rent, help around the house, and whatnot. Everyone individually said it would be fine, and I told her the same, but then they all reneged on their agreements. I felt really frustrated, but I don't have the time to be mad at anyone. So with me and Shaun it is. It has been a learning experience for sure. Vanessa's mom passed away when she was 16, and he father abandoned her. She has no contact with her sister or brother. She's divorced. She has no one.

School is tough. Many exams and performances. I'm a little stressed. I feel like the chamber chorale is NOT ready to sing this week. I hate feeling ill prepared for anything. I have a tendency to feel like giving up before attempting something I feel unprepared for. This is a bad tendency. In the end, I'm always too scared to skip a test, so I just do it anyway. And I usually do a lot better than I think I will do. This semester is the first one since I've been back that I really feel like I'm not doing a very good job. I have had straight A's the past 3 semesters, and I'm going to be super bummed if I lose that GPA.

Tomorrow is my only real day off. I am looking forward to getting my place spiffed up, fixing the curtain thing, and doing laundry.

It is HOT in my store today. Yikes. Natural Deodorant + Sweat = no good.

xoxo
cait

I'm just sitting here bored at work. Things have been happening.

Shaun's grammy died. He was super close to her, and he is devastated. She was quite old (in her 80's), and really sick. (emphysema) The really sad part is she lived alone, and Shaun hadn't been able to get through to her for several days, and he finally demanded his mother check on her. She found her. They don't know how long she was just laying there, dead. No one knows how long she was in pain. (If she was in any) So, it's just really sad. I kind of feel like Shaun isn't really dealing either. The first day he was super sad, then, kind of nothing. His mom's not arranging a service, and he's not even going back to MI. It's all kind of weird.

I still haven't resolved the issue with Travis. I'm just avoiding it. Because I'm so mature!

I really don't have anything else for you.

Caitlin

The gal I've been working on the duet with just dropped the class.

We have worked on that song for weeks, many hours, I've written a paper about it, and read the entire script.

And for nothing. I'm so frustrated right now. I am going to see if someone else will do it with me.

 Hello!

School has started, and it is crazy!  I decided to take this Musical Theater class for fun, and, it's turned into an obsession. I thought I had lost my taste for totally cheesy singing   show tunes.  Well, since class started all I can think about is what song to sing, who to sing with, costumes, choreography, etc.  The first song I'm doing is a duet called I will never Leave you from the Musical Side Show.  It's a song that two conjoined twins sing to each other. Very cute. I also know I'm doing On my Own from Les Miserables, and Season's Of Love from Rent.  Cheese overload. I love it!  

It's also fun to take a class with Dylan. I realized something though, Dylan is a dork! He eagerly answers all questions, makes all sorts of comments, and is generally adorable about the whole thing. Shaun also really likes his music class. Valentines was a weird bad and then good day. Bad was my boss being a jerk and telling me she was going to lower my pay and cut my hours. I get the economy is really shitty, but my boss was being really mean and manipulative. Saying things like, "I could find someone to do your job for less..." I know that. People are desperate for work. And it's not like I really make shit for money anyway. And I work part-time. So that sucked. Then Shaun took me to dinner at a really cute little restaurant called The Park in our neighborhood. Everything we ate was SO good. Down to salad and drinks. It's making my hungry just thinking about it. 

I got my tax return, and I am happy to say I will be using some of the money to take Shaun to the optometrist. Which he badly needs to go to. His glasses make his poor eyes hurt.  I will be using the rest to pay my mom back for school expenses. Books are so fucking expensive. My bio-psych classes book was one-hundred-and-fucking-eighty-five dollars.  The class itself? $60. Seriously?

Speaking of moo-lah. I recently purchased a water bottle with a built in filter to bring with me to school. (The tap water here tastes like a pool) It's pretty cool. It makes the water taste kind of metalicky. (Which I know is not a word) But I guess it's better than either buying bottled water, or drinking pool water. (I really think they drain the public pools and give it to us.) In choir we're sing some cool songs, as usual. Mr. Russell is so good at picking good music. We're singing a really pretty song called Soon Ah' Will be done, it's an African American spiritual. It's really beautiful and sad. 

I've been really into long skirts lately. 

Bye!

Shaun and I went to a metal show Tuesday night. Twas fun. We saw The Faceless, Cynic, and Meshuggah. It was his christmas gift. Cynic is this "tech metal" band that Shaun loves. They broke up though, and he was always so sad that he would never be able to see them live. Then one day I was flipping through a paper and saw that they were playing, with Meshuggah. Another band he loves. So anyway. They were really good live. They are such nerds, it's cute.

I went and saw the neurologist I don't like yesterday. She said she would reinstate my license after seeing my blood work. Which I also got done yesterday. (The nurse blew up my damn vein.) But, I am relieved to have it all over and done with. I was dreading having to see her again. I also got the plates for our car updated. Which is also good. I feel all responsible and stuff. I also had some good quality time with brother number two, as my mom says. Otherwise known as Dylan. We don't hang that much. I guess I don't get on very well with his wife. It's all a little iffy. Don't quite know what's going on there.

There is a guy in here wearing SO much cologne. *watering eyes* He left. Good. Don't buy our poppy pods then!

My brother Travis gave me this book for christmas called "DIY guide for everything" or something like that. It's really neat. It has DIY instructions for well, practically everything. It's a good reference book.

The cursed children are here waiting for the bus. I must make sure they don't fuck any of our stuff up. I will return.
It's raining, and they are getting on the bus quicker than usual. I am like a mean old lady. Get off the grass!

The brown sugar scrub I made rocks. I used it today because my skin has been dry. And wow. I'm good. It smells really good, and it doesn't have any fragrances in it. The smell of the organic brown sugar is good enough. And, it leaves your skin all soft and moisturized. The salve I made for Travis was also a big hit. It's just a scentless, super moisturizing salve made with all organic jojoba oil, coconut oil, vitamin e oil, shae butter, and beeswax. He loves it, and wants more. I want to try infusing the oils again. The first time I tried it the calendula flowers burned and it was not good. I need to set the crock pot for the lowest setting and I think it will work. I wanted to make something for my friend who has severe eczema. I read up on the herbs that will heal and sooth that particular problem, and I have most of them already. I do need to get some more carrier oils, like jojoba. That oil is particularly nice because it is closest to the oil our skin naturally creates. I also have a lot of really nice essential oils like lavender, jasmine, vanilla, pine, rose, etc. I need to find really good combinations is all.

I guess that's enough of a rant for today.

Muah!

 The people next door to my shop, it's a cell phone store, are singing the Star Spangles Banner. Really loud. 

I've been battling a cough the past week. It's weird though, no other symptoms. But it's so bad it keeps me up all night. My mom finally told me to use an inhaler. It's helped some. 

My god money is tight right now. If I didn't have my parents to fall back on for help, I wouldn't be eating. I keep letting bills accumulate until I'm getting the red bills, which means you're in trouble. And my landlord it pissed because Shaun and I sent our rent in late last month. 

We are no longer the driving the car. Until the tags are legal, and so am I. Shaun I suppose will drive it once the tags are legal, just not me.  I am looking forward to our day off tomorrow. I wonder what we will do???

*cough cough cough*

Ok. 

I'm on my second round of Buffy.I need to watch Angel. I can't move on. I need the Joss Whedon creations!!! Buffy is so good. 

Yup, there he goes again with the singing. 

I must leave now. 

xoxo
Caitlin

Christmas and New Years were a whirlwind, but great. I left MI without seeing ONE of my friends, sadly. (Sorry Grace) My little niece was attached to my the whole time, and Shaun got to see his very sick Grandma.

Our four year anniversary was right before Christmas, and we had a lovely time. I sang a song in choir called "Only my Dreams" by Ron Kean, and it was an interpretation of this poem by William Butler Yeats. I thought the song was so beautiful, I wanted to read the poem. I think it's beautiful, and I wanted to dedicate it to Shaun. My love.

Caitlin


Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

Internet at work on a slow night is good.

I finished my finals, aced them, and I am done until February. I already registered, I'm taking Sociology, Political Science, Psychology 2, Musical Theater, and of course, choir. I'm pretty excited, though I know it's going to be A LOT of work. A lot more than past semesters. I am just looking at it as a challenge.

Christmas is almost here! So far I've spent about $0.00 dollars on presents. Ha! I'm making them, so I guess I have spent money on the materials. Whatever. I'm making brown sugar body scrub, herbal balm, cuticle salve, bath salts, ginger infused honey, and christmas oven mitts. :) I've started making the various items, but I have a lot more to do. Now that finals are over I will have more time. My little oven mitts are so cute! I'm sewing them with old clothes.

Work has been kinda' crazy, people out spending all their savings on SHIT. That's what almost all of it is. I can't wait to get to MI. Breath the cold air, touch the snow (hopefully), see family and friends. Good times. Plus, Adva hasn't been to MI since she was but a babe in arms. So it will be exciting to show her the place she was born. I want to take her to the Hands On Museum. I loved that place when I was a kid.

We sell these cinnamon scented pine cones at work, and I want to scent my own pine cones. I wonder how one would go about doing that. I also need to come up with good essential oil combinations...so far I like Myrrh, Jasmine, and Vanilla. Any ideas?

I don't have much else to say. I hope you all have an excellent Christmas/Hanukkah/Whatever you celebrate.

xoxo
Caitlin

I deleted my last entry. Too whiny. I'm over it.

Finals this week...

No internet at home, which is why I don't update anymore.

That's all for now.

I've had to think these past couple weeks. Thinking is good. In my psych 101 class we were assigned to write a pretty long paper about the events in our life that have shaped us. I think this was a good assignment because while most people have pondered such a question, it's another thing to really articulate it.

A couple things immediately came to mind; Chris going to jail, political activism, my mother, etc. But I needed at least five pages, and before I knew it I was done writing about the "big" stuff, and I was just sitting there scratching my head. What has me who I am? In one sense, everything has me who I am. Every moment of every day has shaped me in some way. In another sense, very little has happened to me to truly be considered a "life altering event".

I had a "good" childhood. My parents never really fought, and they were very loving and affectionate towards each other. No one really close to me has passed away. Retrospectively it almost feels boring. I mean, yes my entire immediate family are all Socialists. And yes, my oldest brother is a radical experimental filmmaker. However, this is my life. I know nothing else. So while my childhood was happy and rather uneventful, it was colorful.

It's difficult to think about the qualities that make you, you. It's so narcissistic in a way. I guess I would say I'm pretty outspoken, compassionate, musical, stubborn, moody, loving, amongst others. How did I get this way? I don't know. I really don't. Maybe this is all bullshit. Maybe I just don't want to say who I am because I would also need to delve into the bad. How did I get so argumentative? And moody? And hard-headed? And jealous?

Freud would say it's all in my subconscious. That I am this way because of early childhood events, maybe I was weaned to early or something. Skinner and Watson would say my environment has made me act in ways in a cause and affect manner. Maslow and Rogers would say I choose to be the way I am. That I haven't achieved certain levels of happiness and I can't reach self actualization. Blah blah blah. It's probably a combination of it all.

I guess I don't know who I am yet, so defining myself is difficult. I'm just this person on the journey of life, trying to figure it out.

Ok, first of all, STOP blaming Californians for Prop 8 passing. There are A LOT of Californians who voted no on Prop 8. Everywhere I went I saw "No on Prop 8" signs and stickers and yards signs. There were so many people who put time, effort, and a lot of money so Prop 8 would not get passed. Very sadly, it still did. Like many Americans did not vote for Bush, shit happens.

Now lets look at the situation and see what we can do to CHANGE it! You can't sit on your butt and complain. It just isn't fair. Get up and do something! Write a letter, call someone. Organize! We can appeal this! It is not going to be that easy for these bigots to get away with this. No sir. Not without a fight.

If you truly care about this issue, please, do something.

(For anyone in CA, there is going to one among many demo's in Silverlake at Sunset Junction this Saturday the 8th at 6 pm.)

Copy this sentence into your livejournal if you are, have ever been, or will ever be, in a heterosexual marriage and you don't want it "protected" by the bigots who think that gay marriage hurts it somehow.

I haven't been updating, sorry. I don't have any internet at home, so yeah.

( Rant )Halloween party this weekend, should be fun!

I'm going as the ghost of Anne Boleyn for halloween. I'm pretty excited. I kind of, umm, splurged on myself.  I never get anything costume wise, I just do dead make-up.  This year, I'm going all out.  So, I got this "renaissance" style dress, with a hoop skirt.  I ordered a wig, not sure how that's going to turn out. I just need the B necklace that's in her portrait. I'm going to make myself look dead and "sever" my neck. I'm also going to carry a beheading ax. Good times. Shaun is wearing a monk costume with a scary mask.  My brother's are throwing a big party. Adva is going as Pippy Longstockings, how cute!

School is good, psych midterm next week. I had my piano midterm yesterday. I had to play three songs in front of class. I was so scared! I felt lame for playing such easy songs, then I thought, this is piano one!  I do challenge myself.  But I wanted to play pieces that I felt confident with. Choir is still awesome. So much music. So much. 
 
Work is fine. Life is good. 

Sorry for such a lame update.